“What If My Child Talks About Me in Therapy?”

When parents find out their son or daughter is in therapy, a common worry often follows: “What if they talk about me?” The answer, quite simply, is yes, there’s a strong chance they will. But that isn’t something to fear or feel ashamed of. It’s a natural part of the therapeutic process, because our parents and caregivers are central to who we become.

From our earliest moments, our caregivers shape how we experience the world. They make decisions for us, determine our environments, and influence the way we learn, play, and relate to others. For nearly two decades of our lives, they are the backdrop against which our emotional, cognitive, and social development unfolds. So when someone enters therapy later in life, it’s only logical that these formative relationships become part of the conversation.

Why Caregivers Matter So Much

Developmental psychologists have long recognised the enormous influence of caregivers. Vygotsky, for example, believed that culture and human interaction, particularly from caregivers, play a vital role in how children develop. Through those early relationships, we begin to understand communication, empathy, trust, and our sense of self.

Bowlby, one of the most well-known figures in psychology, expanded on this through his theory of attachment. He proposed that humans are born with an innate need to form emotional bonds and that these early attachments lay the groundwork for future relationships. A caregiver’s ability to provide safety, nourishment, and emotional security becomes the template from which we build our understanding of connection.

Mary Ainsworth later developed this theory further through her “Strange Situation” study, identifying several attachment styles that reflect different patterns of caregiving.

• A secure attachment forms when a caregiver is responsive and consistent, helping a child learn that they can trust others and manage their emotions.

• Ambivalent attachment often develops when care is inconsistent, leading to anxiety and difficulty trusting.

• Avoidant attachment may arise when a child’s emotional needs are minimised or ignored, encouraging independence at the expense of closeness.

• Disorganised attachment often stems from fear or confusion, where caregiving is unpredictable or even harmful.

Bowlby and Ainsworth’s work revealed something simple but profound: our earliest attachments don’t just shape childhood, they echo into adulthood, influencing how we connect, trust, and respond to others.

The Role of “Good Enough” Parenting

Another theorist, Donald Winnicott, introduced the concept of the “good enough mother,” though the term applies to any primary caregiver. Winnicott believed that perfection isn’t the goal. A caregiver who meets most of a child’s needs while allowing for manageable frustrations actually supports resilience and emotional growth. Small moments of failure, like not responding instantly to every cry, teach children how to tolerate disappointment and recover from it, all within the safety of a trusted relationship.

However, Winnicott also emphasised that caregivers play a significant role in their child’s psychological well-being. By providing a stable emotional environment and responding to the child’s needs with attunement and care, they create the foundation for healthy mental development. This balance, between support and imperfection, is at the heart of what helps children grow into emotionally secure adults.

Why Parents Come Up in Therapy

Understanding these theories makes it easier to see why parents and caregivers feature so prominently in therapy sessions. Our childhood experiences shape the ways we think, feel, and behave. They inform how we manage relationships, regulate emotions, and perceive ourselves. Even in cases where parents were absent, that absence itself becomes a key part of the story, influencing attachment, trust, and self-worth.

When a client speaks about their parents in therapy, it’s rarely about blame. It’s about understanding how early relationships contributed to their current patterns and emotions. Exploring these themes helps people connect the dots between their past and present, and in doing so, opens the door to healing, growth, and self-compassion.

The Parent as Role Model

Children learn as much from observation as from instruction. How a parent speaks, behaves, or relates to themselves often sets an example for how a child learns to do the same. A parent who constantly criticises their own body may unintentionally teach their child to view themselves through a similar lens. Anxious or controlling behaviour can also shape a child’s responses; they may rebel against it or avoid action altogether to prevent conflict.

These patterns are rarely intentional. They develop gradually, often mirroring what parents themselves experienced growing up. This is how generational patterns, sometimes referred to as generational trauma, can be passed down.

Breaking the Cycle

The good news is that cycles can be broken. Healing begins when parents and caregivers begin to reflect on their own experiences and seek support for themselves. Therapy is one avenue for doing this. I have worked with parents who noticed how their children began mirroring their therapeutic practices, expressing feelings more openly, communicating more clearly, and approaching challenges with greater calm. The changes in the parent became visible in the child.

Caring for our own minds doesn’t just benefit us. It strengthens the emotional environments we create for others, especially our children. By working through our own histories, we model self-awareness, empathy, and resilience, qualities that help build the secure foundations we may not have had ourselves.

In Closing

If your child is in therapy, and you worry that they might talk about you, it’s worth remembering that this is not an accusation; it’s exploration. It’s a step toward understanding how early experiences shaped them and how they can move forward in healthier, more connected ways.

Parents and caregivers are central figures in a person’s life story. Recognising that reality isn’t about blame or guilt. It’s about growth, both for the individual in therapy and for the family as a whole. The hope is not to rewrite the past, but to use understanding as a foundation for compassion, for ourselves, for our children, and for the generations that follow.