Values in Therapy: How Understanding What Matters to You Can Change the Way You Live

When people think about making changes in their lives, they often start with goals. They might think about changing jobs, improving their relationships, moving somewhere new, creating healthier habits, or making more time for themselves. Goals can be important, but they don’t always answer a deeper question: Why does this matter to me?

This is where values come in.

Values are the things that are important to us and that we want to reflect in the way we live. They influence the choices we make, the relationships we build, how we feel, and the way we want to show up in the world. Values aren’t rules about what we should do. They aren’t a measure of whether we’re a good or bad person. They’re a way of understanding what matters to us and what gives our choices meaning.

For some people, their values are clear. They might know that creativity, connection, honesty, independence, security, justice or compassion are important parts of their lives. For others, values are harder to identify. Often, we recognise them through our experiences before we understand them or have words for them.

A moment that feels meaningful can tell us something about what matters to us. Maybe you feel most fulfilled when you’re creating something, helping someone, learning, spending time with people you care about, or having the freedom to make your own choices. These moments can give us clues about the values that are important to us.

Our difficult experiences can also reveal our values. If you feel hurt when someone is dishonest, you may deeply value honesty. If you feel frustrated when you’re unable to make your own choices, freedom or independence may be important to you. If you feel disconnected from others, connection may be something you need more of in your life.

Our reactions often tell us something about what matters.

Values and Goals Are Not the Same Thing

One of the most important parts of values work is understanding the difference between values and goals. Goals are things we can achieve. They have an endpoint.

You can complete a qualification, move house, change jobs, or reach a financial goal. These achievements can be meaningful, but once they happen, the goal itself is complete.

Values work differently. Values aren’t something we finish. They’re ongoing.

If creativity is important to you, there is no point where you’ve completed creativity. If connection matters to you, there’s no final achievement where you have "completed" connection. These are things you continue to make choices around throughout your life.

This difference matters because it’s possible to achieve goals and still feel like something’s missing.

Someone might get the promotion they worked towards but still feel dissatisfied. The promotion wasn’t necessarily the wrong choice, but maybe what they were really looking for was recognition or purpose.

Someone might move to a new place hoping for a fresh start, but still feel unsettled. The move might have changed their surroundings, but maybe what they were looking for was belonging or connection.

Understanding our values helps us look beneath the surface of our goals and understand what we’re actually trying to move towards.

When Our Actions Don’t Align With Our Values

Knowing our values doesn’t mean we’ll always live perfectly in line with them. There are many reasons why our actions and our values can become disconnected.

Sometimes practical circumstances make it difficult to prioritise what matters to us. Work, family responsibilities, finances, health, and other pressures all influence the choices available to us. And sometimes we avoid acting in line with our values because change feels uncomfortable. Fear, self-doubt, expectations from others, or habits that have developed over time can all play a role.

Exploring this gap between what matters to us and how we’re currently living can be a valuable part of therapy. Not because we need to judge ourselves for getting it wrong, but because it can help us understand what’s happening and what we might want to change.

Why Values Work Matters in Therapy

Values work can be especially helpful when someone feels stuck, uncertain about decisions, or disconnected from themselves. It creates space to explore questions like: What’s important to me? What kind of life do I want to build? Are the choices I am making moving me towards or away from the things that matter?

This doesn’t mean every decision will be easy, or that we’ll always be able to choose what aligns with our values. Life involves compromise, competing priorities, and situations where there is no perfect answer. But having a clearer understanding of our values can give us a stronger sense of direction.

Exploring Values Through Art

I also explore values in my Art Therapy Video Series. The exercises in the video guide you through exploring what matters most to you, how your values have developed over time, and the experiences and beliefs that have shaped them. The series is designed as a self-guided resource, allowing you to work through the exercises at your own pace and in your own space. It is available to purchase through my website.